Hello 2017!

My last post was introspective, reflecting on who I am and the deep fulfillment and meaning I desire in life. But with the new year, I also have some exciting goals and activities I want to plan for ūüôā

First and foremost, I want to get more muscular and toned. This has been a longtime goal, but never have I been so close to making it a reality. I lost 20lbs last year, and I’ve been maintaining my weight throughout the holiday season with regular exercise and watching my calorie intake. I’m currently sitting at about 210 lbs, which is great considering I’m 6’4″ and fairly big-boned and muscular as it is. But I’d like to drop to 190-200 lbs, loose some more fat and bulk up my muscle even more. The good news is that I’ve got five months left of school in Texas before I move back to Utah, during which I intend to follow a strict workout schedule. I’ve done it before, and I’ll do it again. By summer I’ll graduate, have a job, and be a sexy hunk at the pool ūüėČ

My next goal, and perhaps the most important, is giving up television. I know it seems pretty extreme, but hear me out. When I was younger, I played a TON of video games. I recall one semester in high school where I literally spent every evening playing Morrowind on my Xbox for hours on end. Luckily by the time I went to college, I outgrew my addiction and stopped playing. But by then, I can safely estimate I had spent a cumulative year of my life playing video games. A great waste of time if you ask me. But similarly, I have spent a lot of my life sitting in front of the television watching movies and TV shows. In particular, I spent a disgusting amount of time watching Netflix these last 4 months. It’s made me sick of watching TV. So I’ve decided to give it up, only watching when I have a friend over who wants to share her favorite show or movie with me. And besides, how could I pass up an opportunity to cuddle? Lol, but as for watching TV on my own, I’m done with it.

So what will I do in my free time? That’s the exciting part! There’s so much I have planned: dating, hiking, skiing, reading, blogging, practicing guitar, singing, ballroom & hip hop dance, theater performance, martial arts, competitive rowing, and more! I’m probably not going to do it all this year, but I’m making plans for when I will! I’ll give updates on these things as they come to fruition. Can’t wait to get started! ūüėÄ

Goodbye 2016

I’ve grown so much over the past six months. Living in Lubbock has expanded my perspectives regarding religion, dating, sex, friendship, and humanity in general. I’ve taken steps to improve my life, learn from my mistakes, and experiment and try new things without fear or regret. I’ve slowly let go of my shame and guilt, and replaced it with forgiveness and wisdom. I feel more free than I’ve ever felt in my life. More empowered. More confident. Free to be myself and become who I want.

Yet, I feel so lonely. Alone in my journey. I only wish I could have these deep conversations with someone. That someone could truly relate to how I feel, and shares my desire to seek wisdom and enlightenment. Hhhhhh…..I feel surrounded by people who don’t take life seriously. People who simply live for the moment, or are so focused on the carnal things in life. I don’t blame them: we’re young, and we should enjoy this relatively carefree and energetic time of our life. We should be silly, wild, and make the occasional stupid mistake. Certainly I desire that as well, but it seems meaningless if I have no one to share it with.

I’ve been transient for much of my life, as well as preoccupied with school and planning my future. I’m grateful for the opportunities I’ve had, and for all the doors my hard work has opened for me. But in the process, I’ve let much of my youth pass without frivolity. I should’ve stopped to smell the roses more. I should’ve taken things less seriously, stressed less, and spent more time with friends and having fun than on homework. I have many regrets in that regard, but that’s for another time.

In short, my biggest goal for the new year (and for the rest of my life) is to¬†know and be known. I want to be more transparent with my thoughts and feelings. I’m unashamed of what I believe and how I feel. I don’t want to restrain my emotions any longer. I want to be heard. I want to be understood. I want people to know the real me. And it is my deepest desire to be loved for who I am. To have someone want to dig deeper and learn about me. To want to know me on the most intimate level, and feel my emotional energy pour out. My passions, my fears, my desires, my joys and sorrows.

Likewise, I want to know someone else. I want meaningful friendships. I want relationships that are built on communication and spending time with each other. Helping each other express emotion and truly feel….

I want to love and be loved. I want know and be known. And for that to happen, it takes honesty, openness, courage, compassion, patience, kindness, forgiveness, trust, and so much more. It takes fearless authenticity.

I can be an elegant writer, but the purpose of this blog is to serve as a journal. A place where I can freely share my thoughts and feelings without censorship, and without worrying about what to say, how it will sound, how it will be received, trying to impress people, etc. I will write freely here, and that in and of itself is so liberating. A weight lifted off my chest. A great relief.

Happy New Year, dear reader. And welcome to the real me. It’s all here.

The Pilgrimage

So what’s with the blog title?

Pilgrim of the Stars encompasses the entire theme of this blog, and I believe it describes my spiritual journey. You see, I’ve spent my entire life as a member of the¬†LDS Church (a.k.a Mormon) and I suffered from¬†severe confirmation bias; I used to think that only my religion was true and that all others were false. But after a series of events, I realized I was wrong. Now I’m a firm believer in syncretism, which is that religions borrow beliefs from each other over time. This means I believe that divine truth can be found in many different belief systems,¬†but that no single religion holds all the answers. Not even Mormonism.

That’s not to say I reject Mormonism. On the contrary, it has helped me establish a firm belief in God and a desire to become like Him. But after 22 years and attending church a thousands times, I’ve grown tired of the same old messages. I have¬†questions about the¬†nature of¬†God and¬†the afterlife¬†that my church¬†is unable (or unwilling)¬†to answer. For example, we acknowledge the existence of Heavenly Mother¬†yet we have no information about her. The Divine Feminine is absolutely essential for a complete understanding of God.¬†So¬†I must expand my search to other religions, other mythologies,¬†and pray that the Goddess will reveal Herself to me.

Another key tenant of Mormonism¬†I accept¬†is the potential for men and women to become gods (a.k.a. theosis, or exaltation). But if this is the only mortal existence we will have (as taught in Mormonism and most Christian faiths), and therefore the only chance we’re given to prove ourselves and develop godly attributes, how could we possibly¬†learn enough to qualify for exaltation? It’s a facetious notion, especially when considering some sacrifice more for God than others (can we expect to be given an equal glory to someone like Abraham, when we ourselves have sacrificed so little?), or when some are born into poverty and suffering while others are born with a silver spoon. The opportunities, circumstances, and rewards for spiritual development seem very unfair.

It’s for that reason that I believe in multiple lives (or multiple probations). I believe that if God truly loves us, and if His work and glory is “to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of men” (Moses 1:39), he would give us more than one chance. If we are instructed to forgive seventy times seven, then just how much more merciful is¬†God? I believe in a God of love, and that means He never gives up on us. We will have many mortal lives, even perhaps on other planets, in order that we might have time to learn all that godliness entails, and to test and refine our divine attributes.

That is what Pilgrim of the Stars means: I am a pilgrim on this earth seeking truth wherever it exists, and refining my divine nature through the fire of adversity. When this life is over, I will move on to¬†a different¬†world (perhaps¬†in¬†another star or galaxy)¬†and¬†seek more truth and face new challenges. God is watching over the process; both He and Heavenly Mother will be by my side through all eternity until I finally arrive home . . . when I am finally ready to take my place among the gods. This is not only my destiny, but it’s yours as well. We are all pilgrims of the stars.

These are topics I will explore deeper in later posts, and there are many more to come. Stick around! =)

Let’s loosen up!

Hello there!

What are the chances you’d stumble across this old blog? Haha! Seriously, I opened this blog almost 2 years ago and haven’t managed to post anything. Writer’s block sucks! I was so concerned about trying to sound formal and having an elegant writing style that I ended up missing the whole point of a blog . . .¬†to express myself! So let me start by saying a few curse words to loosen up: goddamnmotherfuckinshitcuntbitchniggerassprick!

Whew!¬†Now that I’ve broken¬†social etiquette and offended some people,¬†I’m free to be authentic!¬†So let’s get down to business!¬†I¬†hope you’ll stick around, there’s some great stuff coming.